Going back home to at least relax for a bit but... Hell went loose when I left.

*This is a rant post, so click away to avoid the messy drama in the life of mine.

          I have a few "words of wisdom" for people out there who are constantly judging people around themselves, especially their family, relatives and friends. Don't put an expectation on people as if they owe you a million dollars.

          For my last semester break, I took the one month off going back to my hometown, Kuching. It was nice being home, but some shit happened to my phone right before my flight. That's one. Because of that, just when I got into the car, I got a thousand of questions from my mum and then, an earful. That's two. Knowing that I'm back for at least a month, I decided to take a break before I kickstart with two of my assignments which I have to finish before I go back to KL. That's three. Being a Leader for a ministry is also eating up to my time, but I willingly give because that's the only way I feel I could give back to God, so that's four. Then, preparation for Chinese New Year wasn't an easy task to do especially when my mum nags me to finish all the chores on top of trying to finish my assignments and with two siblings who are pretty much doing nothing? That's five. 2 days of Chinese New Year and a farewell dinner at my friends house, and then with last minute looking for a luggage bag all by myself and by the end of it all, went back home and I got nagged because I didn't make the effort of going to see my grandparents? I DID, although it's not Chinese New Year but I did during my cousin's birthday celebration and you know what, that's not as important as Chinese New Year. That's fair. I mean, I did think about it, but I set my priorities wrongly. So I was wrong for that. That's six?

And by the end of it all, most of my time to do assignments are taken up by:- My phone issue, my friends who I should see and may never meet until they are getting married, my close friends from ministry who sometimes expect me to be there just because, the chores and shit I did at home, one of my assignments left with one incomplete one due to all these. And with some of my asshole relatives who always have big mouth to say things like "Granpa sick also didn't go and visit, someone got freedom can fly away already la?" and rub it in my face. Like hello? I've seen him twice and that's none of your concern. I did not spend 8.9k a semester just to fuck up with my time to not do assignments and it has already been taken away by my fucking chores. Who the fuck are you to even judge me when all you do is just work after SPM? I'm upgrading myself for a better future and you have the guts to say that to me?

Some people just doesn't want to grow up from a world of mobile games and pretending to be chao ah lien (chinese whores). They don'e even know how poisonous the words are coming out from their mouth and they expect you to return and do the things that they say? It's because of people like you I don't wanna go back. Now the thought of going back makes me think twice. But that's unimportant. Haters gonna hate. She don't understand the pressure I'm dealing with. She doesn't even know the pressure of a college student. All I did is juggle my time so that I can make the most out of it. And I can't please everyone, not even my family. So people, please think less of me. Don't put expectations on me. I'm a nobody, just doing my own fucking business. You don't like it, what does that got to do with me? It's your problem that you don't like it. Learn to like it.

The Seen And The Unseen.

*This is just a rant, and it has been bothering me lately, so just a food for thought for all of you, those who are always being seen, and those who are always in the shadows*        

           I always have this feeling of the world going on from where I am. It's like whatever I see with my eyes is really happening, and whatever that I don't see, can only be comfirm by word of mouth or the news. This bothered me sometimes about the things I do sometimes, and I don't get any witnesses around to see what I did, especially the good things. I know how we all talked about humility and being humble but do know this. God did not made each person to be mediocre. There has to be a limelight somewhere for each person. So I'm not wrong to say that people ARE MADE to be seen, acknowledged, and to be looked up to.

          I was having a discussion with someone the other day about life experiences and how it's different for everyone as everyone have different reactions towards things. My friend, who have been on stage, dancing, performing and had always been since our teenage years have NO PROBLEM with self-confidence of course and it shows in his way of conversations and the way he thinks as well. Me, on the other hand, had always have a problem with self-confidence. All through my life of hearing things like, "I don't think you can." , "Are you sure you can do this?" , "Your sister is just special." made me rethink of a life full of things I want to do but am afraid to because of criticism.

          Then, a thought came to my mind of how's the life of being the other person for once? Full of confidence, able to accomplish something and being praised, having people looked up to you and so on. How does it feel like? Will it make me feel excited because I have a certain set of skills I can do whenever I want to? Certainly. Will it make me happy to have people praising me for my efforts and skills? Definitely. But then, isn't that a life with more pressure already? But seriously though, I wouldn't mind switching for one day just to see how it feel like.

          I also thought of another thing. How do the people who are always basked in the limelight see the life of someone like me? Am I important to them? Some say yes. Do they envy the life that we live? Some agree because it's more relaxing. The question that comes next is "BUT WHY?." Seriously though... think about it. I think having a life where you're known to be good at something and being recognized for it is a good one. Are the unseen important to the seen? Well yes, because without the support of the unseen, they can never be seen. Without the unseen, there would be no one to be in awe of the seen. That's true to a point.

But deep down inside, sometimes I really wish I was seen. Not occasionally.

Being True to The Feels and Being Blessed With Friends.

          I told someone in choir the other day that men do have feelings too, and some chose to show it while most of us just hide behind our precious pride. It just show that I'm more human to feel things around, but to act on my feelings is another thing.
          

          There are times when things just go blatantly wrong and you question The One Above and yourself with the big letter "W". My story will be the Crazy Phone Story. It started with me getting a new phone, it's time to change as well and it's the first smartphone that I have. It's not so much as a "good" model considering it is in the "budget range" smartphone (I'm not that rich guys!) And so, there are ways to upgrade it through rooting (it's and Android phone), and seeing that it's not that smooth even though it's brand new, I decided to go through that.

          The feels start with the news that my Accountability Partner, Iain, is going to live in KL for 4 months for his internship for his Hotel Management diploma, and around the time I came back, it'll be a week gap before his day of flight. We couldn't really find time to hang out with each other so I only get to see him like for around 2 days, with the last day trying to fix my new phone after some rooting complications. His flight was at 7 in the morning last Saturday, and he manage to solve it by 4.10 in the morning. And I felt guilty because he's going to be tired the whole day, being afraid to sleep in the bus on the way to Bukit Bintang because he's a dead sleeper. But he did it for me, and I was quite happy and blessed to get a committed service, and free of charge.

          So that day, before his flight, one of our ministry elder, Ben, flew off to KK and with a connecting flight, flew to the Phillippines to further his studies in theology together with his wife and son, Sarah and Isaac at 6. Iain's flight was after theirs at 7. Then Edna's flight to KL at 9 to also further her studies in degree. It was a day of morning camping at the airport and full of emoness for everyone.

          Then 6 hours after that, the complication of my new rooted phone came back.... And when it happened, I died ALOT inside. The guilt, the feels. And right before mass. Imagine sitting through 10 hours doing the exact same thing for the phone and finally fixed it, then after that it came back, and it wasn't you who did all that but your close friend who will be super tired the next day knowing that but still helped you? And all you did was to bring back the problem? Super guilty ok...

          From this experience of mine, I can honestly say, the start of this year wasn't that great for me. Plus, I have to finish my assignments ASAP. My new phone is still dead, just figuring out how to solve it by myself. And I really thank Iain for his effort. It meant a lot to me. But I'm sorry for the trouble... really. HAHA. Blessed to have someone who cares about my gadgets for me.

So that is kind of the rough patch I'm going through now. Using a spare phone that doesn't support Whatsapp, so yea... life is.... sad... So till the next update of The Crazy Phone Story.

2014, be good to me.

Tis the season where people update blogs, knowing last year as if it was just yesterday....
Hello peeps! So glad to be writing this back in my hometown, in my room, comfortably laying down on my queen sized bed.

Anyways, a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!. Don't even get me started on New Year's Resolution. The only resolution I know is HDR, or 1080, or 720 - HD (lame joke).

So, updates...

1. Semester break.

I've finished my first semester in SAE Institute for my Diploma, and I'm back in Kuching, Sarawak until Chinese New Year (eve on the 30th January). My class was supposed to start on the 27th, but because it's like only a few days away from CNY, I decided to skip the 3 days for a longer holiday. 

2. Holidays aren't really about holidays anymore.

When you've reached this stage, you'd know what I meant by that statement above. I have to finish 2 assignments while I'm back here and I have to send one of my assignment using the courier service because it's due date is 29th of January. Plus, I have to worry about my expenditure because I spent more than I have to due to the case of my new phone, a story to be revealed at a latter time.

3. My expectations back here and the things that are going to happen.

I'm so gonna be broke if I don't find a solution to end my wallet's hunger. The problem was that I still have to do my assignments while at it. EWA is coming and it cost RM100... dunno why it got sooo expensive in the recent years. And also my Accountability Partner, IB won't be around while I'm back here because he'll be leaving to KL for his internship this coming Saturday. Well, hope that I'll be back for ER.

4. My expectations this year as a college student.

More financial crisis, more assignments, more datelines, and I have a slight fear that my laptop will not stand it until the end of this year. But I really hope it will be ok. It still doesn't leave a good feeling in my stomach because I heard the programs that are going to be used after this are quite heavy on the laptop, and most of my seniors recommended MAC. But I really hope this one stays as long as it can.

So here's to another great year ahead! Hope many good things will happen this year! More opportunities to come! Although the truth is, I'm just nearing my death sentence but ain't nobody got time for dat!

The Lost of Words

Sometimes, words doesn't matter any more, don't mean a thing, it's do it or don't say it. The meaning has crept into our generation, where we urge for something more to fill the void in our hearts.

I remembered last year before my foster brother left for studies here in Inti, we were close. Hang out a lot, talked a lot, basically doing almost everything that I could think of. Once he left, I concentrated on my studies while he did the same in his. We make it a point to continue to communicate, by text message, WhatsApp, even calls like almost everyday. Then it slowly die down, until there's totally no conversation at all, as if words has lost it's power. Where all texts and calls always end with "I'm busy" or "Studying now" or even the worse "no reply" at all. Even voice lost it's power, where a normal phone call could last for hours is cut down to 3 - 5 minutes just because "I'm tired" or "I'm busy".

We know that communication is important, thus words become an honest way to communicate to each other, to know how the other person is feeling, to explain something, or to tell a joke. Ultimately this comes down to bonding, and the sound of a person can be a form of physical presence of themselves. But it also seems that the real physical presence is in need in the equation.

From my experience above, after losing my friend in Form 2 due to leukemia, I find it hard to bond. He was the closest friend I've come to over those years, to the extent of making him my foster brother but it hit me hard because the change is soo dramatic. From the experience I learn to let go, accept changes, and moved on. It's only fair. And it's also a learning experience to go through what he did when I started college. The funny thing is, I know deep down inside, things would never be the same.

It saddens me on how people take communication between one another for granted. Having the chance to go out for drinks together, just chilling with someone you cherished in life, is already a big reward for me. The time you spent on a person is the greatest gift, for you can never get it back, but only to be cherished as memories.

But it has come to the point of words mean nothing any more. Where the questions asked are always "How are you?" and you want to answer honestly but can't because you fear they don't understand your situation. It has crept to everyone and almost everyone are ignorant about it.

If one of the closest person in your life whom you recently or in a very long time have not talk to each other and in honest situation, would you regret it if life suddenly seeps out from them, and you never have the chance to tell them how you fell about them??

I know I have been through it.

Of Assignments, Exams and Holidays (Pending)

Hey guys. Just a much needed update since it's coming to the last week of November (Advent started) and here am I going to rant about my CRAZY schedule in this coming month's time. And so I shall start with this.

ASSIGNMENTS

It's coming to the end of my first semester. It's suppose to be a "Hurray!!" moment for me but it does not seem quite like it because assignments are piling up and I don't know whether I can reach the intended criteria to pass it especially for the "Creative Media" (CM for short) courses which I didn't know I was going to take when I come here. Although it's fun to learn new things, but to expect a miracle work from something new, it takes time for me to perform something, and a miracle is really out of my reach. For short, I have 5 CM course this semester, and two of them have written revision and ALL of them have assignments. So far I had finished with two subject's assignments (2D Illustration (drawing in black and white and also in colour), and also Visual Communication (poster design and painting a shoe) ) That makes it four assignments already.

And the list below are currently the assignments that I'm going to finish before Christmas according to their subjects:-

Digital Imaging (Photoshop)
1. Create a Vector Car Design poster for an exhibition
2. 4 photos taken by using a DSLR with its theme (motion, street, graveyard, and indoor portrait using studio lightings)

Digital Graphics (Illustrator)
1. Create a logo for an organization/awareness/campaign etc.
2. Establish the organization/awareness/campaign by creating designs for it's promotional items, letterhead, envelope, business card.

Studio Studies (pretty easy but damn expensive)
1. Solder cables of different varieties mainly XLR (mic) cables, TS/TRS (jack cables both mono and stereo), RCA cables etc and buying the materials can easily cost up to rm200++

Typography
Not very sure about this but I think it's about designing the letters of a word to describe the word using the letters in it.



Exams
It's actually sad seeing people posting about when they are going back and it's earlier than you and also your exam ends 2 days before Christmas and you have to be like "I don't wanna get excited because I have exams" but you can't help it? Well, I'm there right now, and I can't concentrate... oh help me get through this ==.

Lastly, one thing I'm grateful of,
is my upcoming holiday, which lasted until 27th January, but I'm extending it to after CNY because it falls on the 31st so might as well... HAHA!! Long Holidays people!!

So yea, kinda in a pinch because my procrastinating mood is getting heavier with the holidays coming around... so it sucks!! Should really consider deactivating FB for awhile to concentrate... hmmm...

well then, till the next update! Cheers!

The Question of LGBT in the Catholic Church

Disclaimer : This post does not mean in anyway to offend any party and to just be clear with the society of what is MY general view as a Catholic on the topic of LGBT.

So I come upon this page ( http://www.tfpstudentaction.org/what-we-do/news-and-updates/i-saw-the-smoke-of-satan-at-georgetown-on-coming-out-day.html?utm_source=sm-tfpsa&utm_medium=email&utm_content=SAE0219&utm_campaign=tfpsa_newsletter ) where in Georgetown University (US) on the Coming Out day, they have the LGBT community doing their awareness. Mind you, GU is an old Catholic University and like in the page it says "one would thought that Catholic doctrine and tradition are upheld there".

Read the post first before continuing.

Done? Ok. Now for my opinion in the matter.

The Cathetism of The Catholic Church says that "homosexual activity" is a sin. Which in any way, I'm not saying that it is wrong because the purpose for sex is sexual intimacy and to reproduce. Without one of it even, it is already considered wrong unless you can't have children due to some health related issues.

But do know this, The Church however DOES NOT CONDEMN the LGBT community, because they are Children of God as well, made in His image and liking. Who are you to condemn them when you're not the one who created them? However, the Church condemns THE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES that involves around them.

From the post above, I'm actually quite ashamed of how some of the questions were asked because the interviewer got his feelings mixed into the interview. But also not for the wrong reasons because he thinks based on the Church's point of view, but his actions however, I have no comment on that.

I have been journeying with a few people who are going through this problems in their life. Think about being in their shoes for a second... You were raised/born a Catholic, and you struggle with your sexuality because of past experiences or health disorder. It scarred you and made you who you are today. And being a person with confused sexuality is wrong according to people who don't really know how it feels like or didn't really fully understand the Church's point of view.

Shame on you who despise them just for being who they are. Whatever happened to Jesus' commandment : Love thy neighbour ?

And for those who are Catholics/Christians who are struggling with their sexuality, I PRAY AND HOPE that you do not involve yourself in "homosexual activities". Understand it fully what homosexual activities are. It is to have physical intimacy with another person of the same gender. Fight the temptation, drown yourself in prayers, celebate yourself, have an accountability partner and tell them what's wrong, constantly seek advice from your spiritual directors/priests. The road to trod WILL be hard, and that will be your cross to carry. You'll be called to a single life for God, to stay chaste and pure for Him.

Homosexuality is a disorder. 1 percent of it is due to health disorders like low hormone levels and born with two sexual organs. The rest, they are struggling with it mentally, some are scarred for life, having their image of the opposite gender soo disfigured and never to find sexual attraction in them.

To all Christians/Catholics out there, I pray that you will help those who are going through with this in their life, and bringing them closer to God by ACCEPTING them for who they are, and journeying with them, giving your continuous support and love.

To those who are confused with their sexuality, continue to seek God. You'll find peace and rest with Him. Do not bother those who are againts you. But also don't get involve in any "physical activity" (you know what I mean) because it'll be harder for you to come back.

That's all for my point of you. I do not mean to offend anyone. It's just one of those random things that I feel I need to speak out about.