The Lost of Words

Sometimes, words doesn't matter any more, don't mean a thing, it's do it or don't say it. The meaning has crept into our generation, where we urge for something more to fill the void in our hearts.

I remembered last year before my foster brother left for studies here in Inti, we were close. Hang out a lot, talked a lot, basically doing almost everything that I could think of. Once he left, I concentrated on my studies while he did the same in his. We make it a point to continue to communicate, by text message, WhatsApp, even calls like almost everyday. Then it slowly die down, until there's totally no conversation at all, as if words has lost it's power. Where all texts and calls always end with "I'm busy" or "Studying now" or even the worse "no reply" at all. Even voice lost it's power, where a normal phone call could last for hours is cut down to 3 - 5 minutes just because "I'm tired" or "I'm busy".

We know that communication is important, thus words become an honest way to communicate to each other, to know how the other person is feeling, to explain something, or to tell a joke. Ultimately this comes down to bonding, and the sound of a person can be a form of physical presence of themselves. But it also seems that the real physical presence is in need in the equation.

From my experience above, after losing my friend in Form 2 due to leukemia, I find it hard to bond. He was the closest friend I've come to over those years, to the extent of making him my foster brother but it hit me hard because the change is soo dramatic. From the experience I learn to let go, accept changes, and moved on. It's only fair. And it's also a learning experience to go through what he did when I started college. The funny thing is, I know deep down inside, things would never be the same.

It saddens me on how people take communication between one another for granted. Having the chance to go out for drinks together, just chilling with someone you cherished in life, is already a big reward for me. The time you spent on a person is the greatest gift, for you can never get it back, but only to be cherished as memories.

But it has come to the point of words mean nothing any more. Where the questions asked are always "How are you?" and you want to answer honestly but can't because you fear they don't understand your situation. It has crept to everyone and almost everyone are ignorant about it.

If one of the closest person in your life whom you recently or in a very long time have not talk to each other and in honest situation, would you regret it if life suddenly seeps out from them, and you never have the chance to tell them how you fell about them??

I know I have been through it.

Of Assignments, Exams and Holidays (Pending)

Hey guys. Just a much needed update since it's coming to the last week of November (Advent started) and here am I going to rant about my CRAZY schedule in this coming month's time. And so I shall start with this.

ASSIGNMENTS

It's coming to the end of my first semester. It's suppose to be a "Hurray!!" moment for me but it does not seem quite like it because assignments are piling up and I don't know whether I can reach the intended criteria to pass it especially for the "Creative Media" (CM for short) courses which I didn't know I was going to take when I come here. Although it's fun to learn new things, but to expect a miracle work from something new, it takes time for me to perform something, and a miracle is really out of my reach. For short, I have 5 CM course this semester, and two of them have written revision and ALL of them have assignments. So far I had finished with two subject's assignments (2D Illustration (drawing in black and white and also in colour), and also Visual Communication (poster design and painting a shoe) ) That makes it four assignments already.

And the list below are currently the assignments that I'm going to finish before Christmas according to their subjects:-

Digital Imaging (Photoshop)
1. Create a Vector Car Design poster for an exhibition
2. 4 photos taken by using a DSLR with its theme (motion, street, graveyard, and indoor portrait using studio lightings)

Digital Graphics (Illustrator)
1. Create a logo for an organization/awareness/campaign etc.
2. Establish the organization/awareness/campaign by creating designs for it's promotional items, letterhead, envelope, business card.

Studio Studies (pretty easy but damn expensive)
1. Solder cables of different varieties mainly XLR (mic) cables, TS/TRS (jack cables both mono and stereo), RCA cables etc and buying the materials can easily cost up to rm200++

Typography
Not very sure about this but I think it's about designing the letters of a word to describe the word using the letters in it.



Exams
It's actually sad seeing people posting about when they are going back and it's earlier than you and also your exam ends 2 days before Christmas and you have to be like "I don't wanna get excited because I have exams" but you can't help it? Well, I'm there right now, and I can't concentrate... oh help me get through this ==.

Lastly, one thing I'm grateful of,
is my upcoming holiday, which lasted until 27th January, but I'm extending it to after CNY because it falls on the 31st so might as well... HAHA!! Long Holidays people!!

So yea, kinda in a pinch because my procrastinating mood is getting heavier with the holidays coming around... so it sucks!! Should really consider deactivating FB for awhile to concentrate... hmmm...

well then, till the next update! Cheers!

The Question of LGBT in the Catholic Church

Disclaimer : This post does not mean in anyway to offend any party and to just be clear with the society of what is MY general view as a Catholic on the topic of LGBT.

So I come upon this page ( http://www.tfpstudentaction.org/what-we-do/news-and-updates/i-saw-the-smoke-of-satan-at-georgetown-on-coming-out-day.html?utm_source=sm-tfpsa&utm_medium=email&utm_content=SAE0219&utm_campaign=tfpsa_newsletter ) where in Georgetown University (US) on the Coming Out day, they have the LGBT community doing their awareness. Mind you, GU is an old Catholic University and like in the page it says "one would thought that Catholic doctrine and tradition are upheld there".

Read the post first before continuing.

Done? Ok. Now for my opinion in the matter.

The Cathetism of The Catholic Church says that "homosexual activity" is a sin. Which in any way, I'm not saying that it is wrong because the purpose for sex is sexual intimacy and to reproduce. Without one of it even, it is already considered wrong unless you can't have children due to some health related issues.

But do know this, The Church however DOES NOT CONDEMN the LGBT community, because they are Children of God as well, made in His image and liking. Who are you to condemn them when you're not the one who created them? However, the Church condemns THE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES that involves around them.

From the post above, I'm actually quite ashamed of how some of the questions were asked because the interviewer got his feelings mixed into the interview. But also not for the wrong reasons because he thinks based on the Church's point of view, but his actions however, I have no comment on that.

I have been journeying with a few people who are going through this problems in their life. Think about being in their shoes for a second... You were raised/born a Catholic, and you struggle with your sexuality because of past experiences or health disorder. It scarred you and made you who you are today. And being a person with confused sexuality is wrong according to people who don't really know how it feels like or didn't really fully understand the Church's point of view.

Shame on you who despise them just for being who they are. Whatever happened to Jesus' commandment : Love thy neighbour ?

And for those who are Catholics/Christians who are struggling with their sexuality, I PRAY AND HOPE that you do not involve yourself in "homosexual activities". Understand it fully what homosexual activities are. It is to have physical intimacy with another person of the same gender. Fight the temptation, drown yourself in prayers, celebate yourself, have an accountability partner and tell them what's wrong, constantly seek advice from your spiritual directors/priests. The road to trod WILL be hard, and that will be your cross to carry. You'll be called to a single life for God, to stay chaste and pure for Him.

Homosexuality is a disorder. 1 percent of it is due to health disorders like low hormone levels and born with two sexual organs. The rest, they are struggling with it mentally, some are scarred for life, having their image of the opposite gender soo disfigured and never to find sexual attraction in them.

To all Christians/Catholics out there, I pray that you will help those who are going through with this in their life, and bringing them closer to God by ACCEPTING them for who they are, and journeying with them, giving your continuous support and love.

To those who are confused with their sexuality, continue to seek God. You'll find peace and rest with Him. Do not bother those who are againts you. But also don't get involve in any "physical activity" (you know what I mean) because it'll be harder for you to come back.

That's all for my point of you. I do not mean to offend anyone. It's just one of those random things that I feel I need to speak out about.

Why are you still friends with him/her?

Hey guys. So I was asked with a question like that before. "Why are you guys still friends?"
There's a lot of situations in the case of people posing this question to me at a time.

For example (no one shall be named):
-when he was a bully towards you in the past
-when he was the closest person in your family
-when he should be a role model instead of bullying you around
-when everyone is againts him for doing "stuff" to others
-when he make a move on your crush knowing that you did ever since you met him
-when he broke your crush's heart
-when she does not want to get into a relationship but still go for other guys (friendzoned)
-when he's retarded
-when you treat those like a real brother but they treat you lesser than a friend
- etc...

I've never really thought of it that well. It seems to me that most my friends, I don't know them that well sometimes. Sure, I have close friends who I can always joke around with or talk with about anything in the world. And I also have no regrets getting to know and befriend a person. I always look forward an opportunity to make the best out of a friendship. (My foster brother can agree to this)

Well, I guess it's because I always believed that no one is perfect. Every person that you meet, every person that walked on this earth, comes with good and bad. NO ONE IS PERFECT. It might be naive but sometimes through friendships, we made each other perfect. Giving support, encouragement that will eventually mould each other into a better person.

So to me, my advice is to see through pass your friend's weaknesses, help them to better themselves and while doing so, learn from them to better yourself. It is only right because YOU ARE NOT PERFECT TOO.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and Love your neighbour as yourself - Luke 10:27

In Many Forms, In Many Ways. God.

Hey guys! It's my week off in college. Thought I'd take some time to write this.

First off, I'd like to confess, and maybe ask you guy to continue to keep me in prayers. I haven't been to mass for 3 weeks... and I'm desperately need it.. and hope that this coming cell, I'd be going to mass in the coming Sunday.

Then this goes to one story related to Church. Well, do you know the feeling of breaking down in front of a person? I'm assuming that you know and just going to continue from there. This is a story of me being God's instrument to those who really seek Him. It happened way back like 2 years ago? So it goes like this.

It was after Sunset Mass in St. Joseph's Cathedral, Kuching. Mass finished unusually early due to a short sermon. It was one of the most uplifting and peaceful mass as I remembered it. The hymns and music were great.
Just when the congregation were leaving the pews, going to their car and going to dinner, I saw an old acquaintance of mine from Bible Knowledge class, kneeling down in one of the pews. praying. Her name is Karen. And we don't really know each other that well, just that her mum was my Bahasa Malaysia (BM) teacher, something gave me the feeling to just go and talk to her.
And so I went and sat beside her, waiting for her to finish her prayers, and then, she just sat down from kneeling. We didn't talk. I sensed a certain emotional atmosphere. The next thing I know, I hear sobs. When I turned around, she was crying. And honestly, I did not know what to do.
She cried, without saying anything, and I was just sitting there, not knowing what to do to comfort her. And then, it stops. And then the words came out from my mouth, "Are you ok now?". She nodded, and I gave her a hug. Then she said , "Thanks" and then left with a smile.

To me, this was a personal experience of mine to share on a few things. One, that God can use anyone at all, including you to reach and comfort others, no matter who you are, with or without experience.  Two, that God doesn't need to use fancy fancy appearances (not in this lifetime anyways, or not too much I guess) and do wonders and miracles. We're Christians and we should be the one doing His will, that is to Love Him and Love our neighbour as how He Loved us. Three, it does not take that much to see or experience God. All there is is with a little faith, and trust. I believe that is important.

One other thing that strikes me was that this thing about breaking down in front of someone and feeling better. It takes all your pride, humiliating yourself in front of someone, humble to seek help and to let someone know of your troubles. And if you are the person on the comforting side, always have a listening ear. To listen without judging. And it's tough too because these kind of people hardly exist these days. Then there's no one who's there to listen to others. What would be the world then?

Accountability Partner

Accountability.

It's not that hard, but it's not that easy either. I dunno what I'm doing right, or what I'm doing wrong. I only have the choice of letting God to lead us in this. We may be accountable to our parents, our girlfriend/boyfriend, our leaders or our best friend. But what makes an accountability partner different from those? Do we only share about our faith and lives just because we're needed to, or do we do more than those mentioned above? What level of intimacy should be given into account to this relationship? And does it mean it's more important than other relationships?

Sure we need to be reminded that God is the centre for every relationship, but how do we put Him in that relationship? In my experimental Accountability Partnership, I know now why it is necessary. Not because we only wanted this, but also we share the same thoughts, to bring ourself close to God in our journey of faith together. At time when I felt being left out on things back home, I'm always reminded to focus on what He has planned in front of me. When my accountability partner is in need of prayers, I'll keep him in my prayers. When I fell into my temptations of sin, I was reprimanded and was kept in his prayers. And also, this person whom I've known for years, it seems that only now, I get to really know him personally than just being an acquaintance to me.

The funny thing is that, this "Accountability Partnership" thing was not taught to me EVEN IF I'M IN A MISSIONARY SCHOOL. Even in Church, I've never heard of it before. I only found it out from one of my close friend named Pius. Everytime when he speak of it, I think to myself, "It must be nice to have someone there for you 24/7, realistic, and talking back to you." because it's not easy picturing what God would actually say to me, even if He's around 24/7.

In my opinion, I think that this partnership is necessary in our own spiritual growth. Practising to be accountable to each other helps ourself to be more aware of our own actions and our own lives. And also the human heart has the tendency to grow restless and weary without being cared for. It helps to constantly fuel the passion toward Christ. But let us not forget that having this relationship does not replace God in your life. God should always be the number one in your heart. If not, then you have a serious reflection to do. Accountability partners should be there to help your journey towards Christ but not replacing it.

So far, it has been a month since I've been partnered with Iain. It has been great, but I regret having him as my partner 2 weeks before I left. He felt the same, but it doesn't mean we're both gonna give up. It has been tough for me since I'm in a new place and I have to get use to a new lifestyle. I don't expect him to understand because he has never been through the experience but I expect him to be there when I need it. We're still in the experimental stage, and I hope that we can one day be an example to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

So, do you wish to journey with someone towards God? Do you have a desire to share about your faith  troubles with someone, and to go through it together? Then you need an Accountability Partner! :)

The Question of "How Are You?"

So I've been wondering, how I always tend to get questions of "How are you (doing)?" And I would always answer "I'm fine" or "OK, I guess". This got me thinking of how mundane this question has become to me.

How do I know if someone really want to or genuinely ask that question to me just to know of my well being. And even tougher for me to figure out is how do I answer them back? I've come to the point in life where I'll go; "Whatever happens to me, it'll happen" or "Shit happens" and just let my life run through without really knowing it like watching a movie and doze off, and then wake up to catch a scene and dose off.

I realised I have been under that condition for the longest of time, never really chase after the things I want, or never really living out my life, to the extent I don't really whether I'm doing fine or not.

Or, am I only thinking this too far, or it's just that the question of "How are you?" really has no meaning to it because even if you let out all the problems you're facing of how do you feel, how your day went, etc... the one listening might not be caring enough OR understanding your situation to know exactly how you feel and what you went through, and instead of ranting out to the person who asked, the only appropriate answer is just to say "Fine.", "OK" and pretend to yourself once more and going through life again?

Well, that's just a random thought.

Greetings from Subang (Intro Chapter to Subang Study Life)

It's coming to a month living and studying in Subang. One thing's for sure, I don't know what to do with my free time... not like back home when my life is ministry + work/school (Form 6). But here's it's like; "I wish I was back home to be distracted with work, especially the ministry". Yes, I'm missing the life back there, but somehow, I know I need to move one from that and also in life.

          So my fellow readers (whoever you may be especially those three people who followed me ;P) good news is that I get to have more time to write.

        Bad news, oh yes, there's a bad news... there will be alot of rants of being homesick and missing my friends back in Kuching. Of course, not all post will be about rants. Let's not keep this blog that way, if not, everyone who reads this will get upset and unfollow me. :X

      All in all, I'm glad to have moved from Kuching to Subang for my studies, as it is like a step forward in my life. I'll let God lead me (at least I'll try) to wherever He may lead.

ER2013 10th Year Anniversary Celebration

First of all, sorry for always being busy and unable to update myself like, even monthly. But then again, I'm writing for fun and I don't really know who's gonna read this. So yea, this post is mainly about my experience throughout this year's Easter Rally (ER) organised by my Parish Youth Ministry (Empowered Ministry). What made me write this post was due to the post ER video that I've just re-watched and thinking to myself, it doesn't do justice to let this go without saying anything so yea, and I don't wanna flood my FB wall, so since this place needed much update, I'll go with that.

At first, I seriously did not look forward to it. I mean, I've been to past ER's and I think that I've kind of have the idea of what's going on and all. And especially the fact that I'm serving as an assistant leader, it's kinda hard juggling my life around (although I'm having my break now). The few months before ER, I'm constantly bombarded with questions from my family members e.g. "Why come home so late?", "Why always go church?", "Why always not at home?" And it's also kind of tough because I was trying to settle with my application to my college at that time.

It wasn't going well for me emotionally because I know I should focus on my application but in the end I still decided to take up the challenge of what needs to be done for ER. For my part is the responsibility as an assistant leader for the Logistic and Technical team (LogTech for short) , the 10 things to do video in a worship concert rally, the global Rise Up dance video (spend at least 3-4 sleepless nights + red bulls to finish both the drafts of the videos), and lightings for the main hall and also the concert.

On the week of ER (possibly the most frustrating week ever) my drafts of the videos were not quite up to expectations and therefore redo with what I have. Juggling that with the proper setup for rehearsals and the setup for the outdoor concert. It was mentally and physically tiring. And of course, emotionally as well, but I kept everything inside, well most of it to myself but it was frustrating to see the things you worked half dead for being scraped off. But still, it WAS not up the my quality of work and I had no choice but to "right my wrongs".

ER finally came. Shrug off the feelings and tiredness. Happy to see my friends from Penang, felt bad I don't have alot of time to spend for them. Running around the centre like a madman, going up and down the stairs, setting up and down during changeovers. Second day was more hectic as we need to complete the setup at Amphitheater, so it was running around two venues, and also my car rammed into a wall (was left parking in first gear, but I didn't check because I wasn't the last one to drive it). Doing my best to not breakdown suddenly, ministering to others and their needs. Finished what needs to be done and all else doing it with the heart of humility. Knowing that what I'm doing is for the sake of drawing people towards Christ.

And now, looking back at what we've achieved, organizing one of the biggest worship concert in the country, drawing over 4000 crowds, having participants from all over Malaysia and also Brunei to join in our conference, it felt like I was meant to be there.

I can't imagine myself not being part of this year's ER. It has impacted me in ways that I didn't even know myself. Being able to learn new things, being a part of such a big event, and above all, learning about service to others through serving. I'm only able to go through this by His strength alone. If not I would have gave up long ago. I thank you all for those who went through this trial with me, Empowered Ministry who has been like my second family and also to God for giving me this opportunity to serve your people.

So here's the post ER video, enjoy it :) 

Living our own life

This post may just serve to be a food for thought kind of thing.

I had a great weekend at EWA13 (Empowered Weekend Away) , and I'm just sad that it ended soo quickly. Well, for me, when it comes towards the end of a great camp, I can't help but to notice that some people are very ' on the spot ' while some are just, the side people, to fill up the space and creates the atmosphere.

The feeling is just there, as if the song 'Creep' by Radiohead says it all. I can't help thinking, these group of people are soo much better than me and I really do look up to them. But I never get to be the one to shine and all. Maybe there are times when I do but it is soo shortlived, like after that, no one ever talks about it anymore and life just goes on.

The food for thought part for this rant is, did God plan our life to be like this? To be the 'side people' always giving support and only there when need be?? Didn't we have our own spotlights in our own life as in we're the main character of our own life?? If so, then what or when is it really my turn to shine in other people's point of view???

But my reasoning brain's answer is this: It is up to us to decide really. It's up to our effort. As in, to be rocking on stage and have your talents shine, it's up to you to take up guitar lessons and training yourself to be that good, or to be dancing in the middle of an estatic crowd because you had pushed youself to learn dance skills. And it is true to a certain point, and that's when.

And that little voice in my head says, "Be prepared with it when opportunity arises. You may not know when but it will come, like the coming of Christ and such, but it will come one day, and that time, just bask yourself in that spotlight."

Cheers~

I know it's kind of a little late, but I feel that 2013 is gonna be a great year. Am feeling good about what's gonna happen and I really feel that hopes and dreams will fill in the blanks of my life. Hopefully it really does come true.

If you've been following and reading my depressing posts last time, I had a dream to be a pilot. Of course, this wasn't really on my mind last time. If you'd asked me when I was in Form 3 (15 years old) , I would say I want to be either an Engineer or a Videographer. But my dad made me change my mind by allowing me to choose Aviation. So as of now, I have 2 achievement I would liked to fulfill.

Why I wanted to be a pilot was because of the travelling, mostly. I don't get to travel alot growing up and seriously, I've never been out of Malaysia. I'm like super excited to see the outside world. The other reason was I know I can't get tied down to a boring job and flying seems fun with the feeling of being free up in the sky. It may sound childish but yes, it is my reason no matter what.

So my first achievement is to become a pilot and work until I'm super rich (or enough for the rest of my life). As of lately, this dream is becoming more and more blurry as you all may know, getting a job as a pilot is not easy. But I'll follow my dad's advice which is to worry about the job when you've reached there. For now focus on applying through airlines and flying academy, which is what I've been doing (researching and stuff) for the past 2 months. I've recently applied for AirAsia's cadetship once more, hopefully I can pass their exams and be bonded with them after I finish the training there :)

Secondly, if all goes well with being a pilot, after getting all the money, I will setup a photography and videography studio. I fell in love with both photography and videography during my high school days, but I never get the chance to really polish my skills because, well... cameras are fucking expensive. But I know it is something that I can venture through if I've got the money and I have confidence with my perspective. So these 2 dreams are considered my long term life goals.

God please help me through this. But if He has a bigger and better picture for me, why not right? I'll just have to follow what He thinks it's best for me. Still , these are the things that I wanna do and hopefully, I will fulfill it :)

Started the New Year with a BANG, like literally....

Hey guys. It's 4a.m. in the morning and I couldn't sleep. So I decided to write about my recent accident, which I can get into a serious injury if not for the last millisecond reflexes. So I decided to just summarize the story from what I did before it happen.

One of my classmate invited me to watch Les Miserables with him. He decided to hang out with me because he said he never did. And so, he picked me up, went for a small dinner at Hui Sing hawker stall area and then to The Spring.

The movie started at around 10p.m. and the movie was 2 and a half hours long. No biggie, it was a nice movie, with actors whom I was surprised to see, singing. Literally, who knew Wolverine, Gladiator and Catwoman can sing? Lol. So after the movie, I was sent back home and I told my friend that after that, I had to go over to Pius' place to finish a video for the first Youth Gathering of the year that time.

And so, upon reaching home, I pack my bags, my PC and anything necessary. Moved the cars around and then drove off. I was in a rush (my bad) but I wasn't driving that fast (60-80 is not considered fast for me, sorry to say, but yea, it was around that speed) and at that time, it was drizzling and obviously the road was wet.

So I used my usual course to go to Pius' place and upon reaching the 3rd mile roundabout, I go straight into the underground tunnel. By that time, I feel something was off. I was at the left lane, and knowing that the underground tunnel road was bending to the left, I followed the road, trying to be at the left lane when suddenly, my car skid straight and into the right lane. I quickly tried to control the car back and manage to but then, it skidded again the second time, this time going to the left lane.

My instinct says I should hit the brake at that time and so I did, but the car skidded AGAIN, now to the right side and hit the divider (which made my front right tyre burst open) and I saw for that 5 seconds of my life, everything happened soo fast. I hit the yellow chinese sign with red chinese letterings (it is a small sign, but I bet that anyone who uses that road will know what I'm talking about), I was still at the divider and right in front of my, I can see the lamp post right in front of me and my car is still moving forward! At that moment, I turned my wheels to the left to at least avoid hitting the lamp post, but it hit the front right side of the car, which I really am thankful for because I might get a head on collision with the lamp post.

After hitting the lamp post, my car stopped, at the right lane of the road, at the part where it was about to come out from the tunnel. In my mind, I was like, "SHIT! I'm sooo (excuse my language) fucking screwed!" And worse still, when I reach for my phone in my pocket, I realised "I LEFT MY FRIGGIN PHONE AT HOME" while I was in the rush of putting all the things I need in the car!!

Thankfully, there was a motorcyclist who was very kind to me by lending me his phone and the first thing I did was calling my brother, because I did not want to disturb my parents because they had to go to work the next day but yea, in the end, they are the ones who came and help me.

Well, right after what happened, my parents called for a tow truck and I moved my things into their car and asked them to send me to Pius' place and finished the video that was needed. But I was feeling guilty and traumatized the whole day because the car can only be fixed by the end of the month and I'm suppose to use that car up for the coming EWA camp. Not only that, I felt guilty the entire day for my dad because it was his car that I crashed but thank God, money was covered by insurance.

So, after this incident, I realised that human life is VERY fragile and I'm lucky to get away from this accident without a scratch (but I did get a small bruise)

I promise to try to keep this blog alive after this, as who knows what interesting things will happen to me in the future :P till then, see ya!